A Long Week

I have so many things I want to write about tonight, but I don't want to ramble, so I'll try to keep it simple.  I've been home from the hospital since Tuesday evening, and the surgery went well.  I don't remember much about Monday after they wheeled me in to the operating room - Geoff says I was saying some pretty funny things after recovery.  I do remember having some pain that night, but mostly in my shoulder.  Apparently, it was gas working itself out of my body - how it ended up in my shoulder I'll never understand, but okay! 

The next morning I had to go for a dye test so that they could make sure my new stomach wasn't leaking anywhere.  I passed that with flying colors, so I was able to actually start eating, well, I should say drinking, cause that is all I've been doing for the past 4 days is drinking.  Not actual eating or chewing (we'll get to that in a minute!)  My first meal  consisted of vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast - mmmmm.  It was actually really good considering I hadn't had anything since Sunday at 4:30 pm. 

Long  story short, I was released about 5pm and headed home.  It was great to see the girls and my mom, but unfortunately couldn't pick up Mary.  I can't lift anything heavier than 30 pounds for a few weeks - my sweet 19-month-old does not understand that, so I pretty much just went to bed.

The eating/drinking has been challenging.  I just sat here at the computer and made myself a chart, so I can start seeing what I'm actually eating/drinking and whether I'm getting enough of the right things or not.  I'm supposed to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks in a day, plus drink 64 oz of fluids 24 of which have to be milk.  I'm not supposed to drink anything 30 mins prior to or 30 mins after eating a meal or snack, and I should be getting about 75 grams of protein daily.  So, as you can see it can get a little confusing and overwhelming.  The hardest part of this is the constant drinking.  I am craving something crunchy like a cracker!  I was chewing up my applesauce this evening just to feel like I was using my teeth!  I do see food on the tv and think it looks good, but I'm not ever hungry, so I think at this point the worst part is going to be psychological.  Fear is also a great motivator for me, because if I eat something I shouldn't then I will be in the bathroom throwing it up, and that is just about the worst thing to me!!!  I hate throwing up, so nothing will taste as good as throwing up will feel bad!

Of course, I'm still thrilled to have gone through with this surgery!  I can't wait to see how I will feel and look in a year!  I'm sure in a couple weeks I will be back to feeling good, and can start focusing on moving forward with exercise.  It was a hard week, and there have been many tears already.  I had a drain right under my left breast and when they pulled that out Tuesday I really thought they were pulling out my insides.  There were a few curse words shouted, and I think that would be what I would consider the worst pain so far.  I have also been feeling a lot of guilt about going through with all of this.  Not because anyone has made me feel that way - I am bringing it all on myself.  It was a hard week for my mom, who was home with my girls by herself most of the week, and for Geoff, who had double duty caring for me and the kids and working some.  Abby and Mary (especially Mary) didn't completely understand why I couldn't hug and play with them.  Mary cried for me several times and I couldn't do anything to help.  This is why I have the guilt.  Because of my bad decisions in the past with food I put my family through this hard week.  My family has suffered because I couldn't say no to stuffing myself full of food, and getting fat.  I'm sure I will get over these feelings, but they are prevalent in my mind right now. 

Enough rambling!  Thank you to all of you who prayed for me - it means a lot to me!  Geoff and the girls leave tomorrow for our annual Tampa trip with the Nelsons, so I will be home for the next 7 days just drinking and drinking!  He will have the harder part of this next week!  I look forward to posting again in a few days with a weight update!