My family is home! Geoff and the girls arrived home about 2pm yesterday, and I was very glad to see them. They are all tan and gorgeous - I have to get to the pool soon so I look like I belong in this family!
It is definitely nice to have someone to talk to here in my house! I had a teary conversation with Geoff this afternoon trying to explain to him how hard this has been mentally this past week. I don't think anyone could ever truly understand the psycological aspects of this surgery unless they have experienced it. I haven't talked much about it in my blog, because I guess I was trying to make it all rainbows and ponies for everyone! It really isn't, and I believe along with the emphasis on nutrition after surgery there should also be an emphasis on psychological well-being. It is somewhat of a catch-22, because I am constantly focused on food - what am I going to eat next, how long until I eat it, how long should I take to eat it, and how long after can I drink something, and how can I make what I'm eating palatable. I'm also constantly thinking of all the things I can't eat, and things that I might not ever be able to eat again like Coca Cola, and Godiva truffles, etc. And it isn't that this is just a diet that I can take a break from on a Saturday, because I feel like eating something bad - no, if I eat the wrong thing it will physically hurt me and/or make me ill. That is a lot to wrap my mind around! One of my favorite things in the world is a good store bought cake - chocolate cake with white icing. This favorite of mine will now make me ill, and my birthday is coming up in 11 days. This will be the first birthday that I can remember where I don't get to celebrate with a yummy chocolate cake. How do I celebrate my birthday without chocolate cake from Publix (local grocery store), and a huge meal at my choice of restaurant? Seriously, I don't even want a birthday this year.
Another thing I'm battling is when I leave the house, or even watch tv I see all the "skinny" people eating whatever they want, and it makes me mad that I can't do that ever again - never. Why couldn't I be one of those people? Yes, I've had buyers remorse over the past week wondering what I've done to myself, and who cares if I'm fat for the rest of my life? At least I could go to Outback Steakhouse and get some cheese fries and a bloomin onion, and eat every bit of it if I want to. See how crazy all this sounds?!?!?! This is what goes on in my mind at any given moment of the day! And, yes, I did start taking my Prozac, so that isn't a factor anymore! :)
I know this will all pass, but there was never any preparation for how hard these first few weeks would be. I really think that should be part of getting ready for this surgery. I was so excited for weeks before my surgery just imagining what my life would be like in a year from now, and I know that excitement will return. I'm just having a hard time getting through this beginning stage.
For those of you who don't have a love affair with food like I do then I know this all just sounds ridiculous and like some sort of comedy routine, but it is real life for me and a lot of other people. One example of my illness is that when I'm eating a meal I focus on what bite will be the last one I put in my mouth, because that will be the last taste I will have of that meal. Another example is when I'm eating french fries (another favorite) I always eat the shortest ones first so that I can save the biggest ones for last. Crazy, huh? My addiction to food truly is a sickness that I'm trying to overcome, but I know that once I do there will be parts of my life that will be rainbows and ponies! :) I have a list I would like to share with you of things I can't wait to be able to do when I'm smaller, but I will save that for another post. This one has gotten way too long, and my girls are turning to prunes in the bathtub.
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