My family is home! Geoff and the girls arrived home about 2pm yesterday, and I was very glad to see them. They are all tan and gorgeous - I have to get to the pool soon so I look like I belong in this family!
It is definitely nice to have someone to talk to here in my house! I had a teary conversation with Geoff this afternoon trying to explain to him how hard this has been mentally this past week. I don't think anyone could ever truly understand the psycological aspects of this surgery unless they have experienced it. I haven't talked much about it in my blog, because I guess I was trying to make it all rainbows and ponies for everyone! It really isn't, and I believe along with the emphasis on nutrition after surgery there should also be an emphasis on psychological well-being. It is somewhat of a catch-22, because I am constantly focused on food - what am I going to eat next, how long until I eat it, how long should I take to eat it, and how long after can I drink something, and how can I make what I'm eating palatable. I'm also constantly thinking of all the things I can't eat, and things that I might not ever be able to eat again like Coca Cola, and Godiva truffles, etc. And it isn't that this is just a diet that I can take a break from on a Saturday, because I feel like eating something bad - no, if I eat the wrong thing it will physically hurt me and/or make me ill. That is a lot to wrap my mind around! One of my favorite things in the world is a good store bought cake - chocolate cake with white icing. This favorite of mine will now make me ill, and my birthday is coming up in 11 days. This will be the first birthday that I can remember where I don't get to celebrate with a yummy chocolate cake. How do I celebrate my birthday without chocolate cake from Publix (local grocery store), and a huge meal at my choice of restaurant? Seriously, I don't even want a birthday this year.
Another thing I'm battling is when I leave the house, or even watch tv I see all the "skinny" people eating whatever they want, and it makes me mad that I can't do that ever again - never. Why couldn't I be one of those people? Yes, I've had buyers remorse over the past week wondering what I've done to myself, and who cares if I'm fat for the rest of my life? At least I could go to Outback Steakhouse and get some cheese fries and a bloomin onion, and eat every bit of it if I want to. See how crazy all this sounds?!?!?! This is what goes on in my mind at any given moment of the day! And, yes, I did start taking my Prozac, so that isn't a factor anymore! :)
I know this will all pass, but there was never any preparation for how hard these first few weeks would be. I really think that should be part of getting ready for this surgery. I was so excited for weeks before my surgery just imagining what my life would be like in a year from now, and I know that excitement will return. I'm just having a hard time getting through this beginning stage.
For those of you who don't have a love affair with food like I do then I know this all just sounds ridiculous and like some sort of comedy routine, but it is real life for me and a lot of other people. One example of my illness is that when I'm eating a meal I focus on what bite will be the last one I put in my mouth, because that will be the last taste I will have of that meal. Another example is when I'm eating french fries (another favorite) I always eat the shortest ones first so that I can save the biggest ones for last. Crazy, huh? My addiction to food truly is a sickness that I'm trying to overcome, but I know that once I do there will be parts of my life that will be rainbows and ponies! :) I have a list I would like to share with you of things I can't wait to be able to do when I'm smaller, but I will save that for another post. This one has gotten way too long, and my girls are turning to prunes in the bathtub.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Pushing It
I definitely pushed it too far with the food today! I decided to try something different after talking to my Mom yesterday. She suggested I try eating a dish called Cheeseburger Pie - it is something I always cooked for Mom and Don when I was in high school, and cook it every once in a while for my family. It is basically a quiche with ground beef and cheese. I thought after eating the chicken salad yesterday that I was ready for some food that wasn't so blended. Wrong! While eating it I could tell that it wasn't going down so well. It was actually hurting a bit even though I was chewing the heck out of it. Then after finishing it I started sweating profusely. Now, while that is normal for me to sweat profusely there was really no reason for it at the time other than my stomach rebelling against what I just put in it. I proceeded to turn the fan on high and I sat on the edge of the couch just waiting for the weird feeling in my neck telling me I was going to throw up. Well, I never did throw up, but my stomach hurt for quite a while and it was definitely touch and go for about 45 mins! Then to top off that experience I received a phone call from Geoff, and I told him about it and he lectured me for a few minutes! :) What can I say, I deserved that one! He did make some good points about my stomach not being healed, and that is the reason to stay on the blended diet, because it would be awful if the stitches/staples in my new stomach ripped and I had to go back to the hospital. Point taken!
Even though in the past if I had taken my Moms advice more than I did I would have saved myself a lot of trouble, well this was definitely not one of those times! Sorry Mom! It was a good lesson though on being patient with all of this! If I couldn't handle Cheeseburger Pie then I definitely can't handle that Beefy Burrito from Taco Bell I've been craving! :)
Even though in the past if I had taken my Moms advice more than I did I would have saved myself a lot of trouble, well this was definitely not one of those times! Sorry Mom! It was a good lesson though on being patient with all of this! If I couldn't handle Cheeseburger Pie then I definitely can't handle that Beefy Burrito from Taco Bell I've been craving! :)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Good Things and The Bad
Geoff and the girls are in Tampa until Saturday, and while that would normally make me really excited to have the house to myself and to be able to do exactly what I want, well, I miss them, and I'm lonely! I also don't have my good friend, Food, here to keep me company either. It is Wednesday, and they will be back on Saturday, and I just plain miss them. Huh, who would've thought?! :)
I also finally figured out the reason for my blahness of the past several days - I hadn't taken my Prozac since the day before my surgery. Um, hello!!! I sometimes like to think that I don't really need it, and then I forget to take it for a few days, and bam - I see very plainly the reason that I take it!
I got out of the house this morning to run a few errands, but only ended up doing 2 of them. I went to get a pedicure, and then went and gassed up my car. It took $90.81 to fill it up - that is absolutely crazy! I should probably sell it and get a Yugo or something! (Geoff, that is a joke!!)
I'm doing okay on food. Didn't that sound convincing? I'm probably not eating all the things I should be - I am drinking a lot, so I'm staying hydrated, but this food thing is hard. I know, I know I'm whining, but I'm not even craving bad stuff at this point - I'm just craving texture, and flavor. I made some chicken salad yesterday, and did not put it in the blender, so I could test out my stomach, and I did good. It tasted so good too! I also had a couple crackers with it, but made sure I chewed them up until they were mushy. I'm supposed to be adding protein powder to liquids and smoothies, but every time I do the food then tastes like chalky protein powder. Basically, my life consists of trying to figure out new and inventive ways of eating mush right now.
Now for the good news - I weighed myself this morning and I am at 246. I went into the hospital at 253, so I have lost 7 pounds so far. Yay! I know it doesn't sound like much, but I haven't been below 250 in years! I'm trying to only weigh myself every other day - otherwise I am weighing myself every time I walk into my bathroom! I'm only taking pain meds at night right now, and probably don't really need them then, but they help me sleep, and I might as well get as much sleep as I can right now while Mary is away.
I know things will only get better at this point as my days of eating mush are coming to an end, and I look forward to Friday when I will get back on the scale and see what wonderful things it has to tell me. Until then.........................
I also finally figured out the reason for my blahness of the past several days - I hadn't taken my Prozac since the day before my surgery. Um, hello!!! I sometimes like to think that I don't really need it, and then I forget to take it for a few days, and bam - I see very plainly the reason that I take it!
I got out of the house this morning to run a few errands, but only ended up doing 2 of them. I went to get a pedicure, and then went and gassed up my car. It took $90.81 to fill it up - that is absolutely crazy! I should probably sell it and get a Yugo or something! (Geoff, that is a joke!!)
I'm doing okay on food. Didn't that sound convincing? I'm probably not eating all the things I should be - I am drinking a lot, so I'm staying hydrated, but this food thing is hard. I know, I know I'm whining, but I'm not even craving bad stuff at this point - I'm just craving texture, and flavor. I made some chicken salad yesterday, and did not put it in the blender, so I could test out my stomach, and I did good. It tasted so good too! I also had a couple crackers with it, but made sure I chewed them up until they were mushy. I'm supposed to be adding protein powder to liquids and smoothies, but every time I do the food then tastes like chalky protein powder. Basically, my life consists of trying to figure out new and inventive ways of eating mush right now.
Now for the good news - I weighed myself this morning and I am at 246. I went into the hospital at 253, so I have lost 7 pounds so far. Yay! I know it doesn't sound like much, but I haven't been below 250 in years! I'm trying to only weigh myself every other day - otherwise I am weighing myself every time I walk into my bathroom! I'm only taking pain meds at night right now, and probably don't really need them then, but they help me sleep, and I might as well get as much sleep as I can right now while Mary is away.
I know things will only get better at this point as my days of eating mush are coming to an end, and I look forward to Friday when I will get back on the scale and see what wonderful things it has to tell me. Until then.........................
Friday, July 22, 2011
A Long Week
I have so many things I want to write about tonight, but I don't want to ramble, so I'll try to keep it simple. I've been home from the hospital since Tuesday evening, and the surgery went well. I don't remember much about Monday after they wheeled me in to the operating room - Geoff says I was saying some pretty funny things after recovery. I do remember having some pain that night, but mostly in my shoulder. Apparently, it was gas working itself out of my body - how it ended up in my shoulder I'll never understand, but okay!
The next morning I had to go for a dye test so that they could make sure my new stomach wasn't leaking anywhere. I passed that with flying colors, so I was able to actually start eating, well, I should say drinking, cause that is all I've been doing for the past 4 days is drinking. Not actual eating or chewing (we'll get to that in a minute!) My first meal consisted of vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast - mmmmm. It was actually really good considering I hadn't had anything since Sunday at 4:30 pm.
Long story short, I was released about 5pm and headed home. It was great to see the girls and my mom, but unfortunately couldn't pick up Mary. I can't lift anything heavier than 30 pounds for a few weeks - my sweet 19-month-old does not understand that, so I pretty much just went to bed.
The eating/drinking has been challenging. I just sat here at the computer and made myself a chart, so I can start seeing what I'm actually eating/drinking and whether I'm getting enough of the right things or not. I'm supposed to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks in a day, plus drink 64 oz of fluids 24 of which have to be milk. I'm not supposed to drink anything 30 mins prior to or 30 mins after eating a meal or snack, and I should be getting about 75 grams of protein daily. So, as you can see it can get a little confusing and overwhelming. The hardest part of this is the constant drinking. I am craving something crunchy like a cracker! I was chewing up my applesauce this evening just to feel like I was using my teeth! I do see food on the tv and think it looks good, but I'm not ever hungry, so I think at this point the worst part is going to be psychological. Fear is also a great motivator for me, because if I eat something I shouldn't then I will be in the bathroom throwing it up, and that is just about the worst thing to me!!! I hate throwing up, so nothing will taste as good as throwing up will feel bad!
Of course, I'm still thrilled to have gone through with this surgery! I can't wait to see how I will feel and look in a year! I'm sure in a couple weeks I will be back to feeling good, and can start focusing on moving forward with exercise. It was a hard week, and there have been many tears already. I had a drain right under my left breast and when they pulled that out Tuesday I really thought they were pulling out my insides. There were a few curse words shouted, and I think that would be what I would consider the worst pain so far. I have also been feeling a lot of guilt about going through with all of this. Not because anyone has made me feel that way - I am bringing it all on myself. It was a hard week for my mom, who was home with my girls by herself most of the week, and for Geoff, who had double duty caring for me and the kids and working some. Abby and Mary (especially Mary) didn't completely understand why I couldn't hug and play with them. Mary cried for me several times and I couldn't do anything to help. This is why I have the guilt. Because of my bad decisions in the past with food I put my family through this hard week. My family has suffered because I couldn't say no to stuffing myself full of food, and getting fat. I'm sure I will get over these feelings, but they are prevalent in my mind right now.
Enough rambling! Thank you to all of you who prayed for me - it means a lot to me! Geoff and the girls leave tomorrow for our annual Tampa trip with the Nelsons, so I will be home for the next 7 days just drinking and drinking! He will have the harder part of this next week! I look forward to posting again in a few days with a weight update!
The next morning I had to go for a dye test so that they could make sure my new stomach wasn't leaking anywhere. I passed that with flying colors, so I was able to actually start eating, well, I should say drinking, cause that is all I've been doing for the past 4 days is drinking. Not actual eating or chewing (we'll get to that in a minute!) My first meal consisted of vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast - mmmmm. It was actually really good considering I hadn't had anything since Sunday at 4:30 pm.
Long story short, I was released about 5pm and headed home. It was great to see the girls and my mom, but unfortunately couldn't pick up Mary. I can't lift anything heavier than 30 pounds for a few weeks - my sweet 19-month-old does not understand that, so I pretty much just went to bed.
The eating/drinking has been challenging. I just sat here at the computer and made myself a chart, so I can start seeing what I'm actually eating/drinking and whether I'm getting enough of the right things or not. I'm supposed to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks in a day, plus drink 64 oz of fluids 24 of which have to be milk. I'm not supposed to drink anything 30 mins prior to or 30 mins after eating a meal or snack, and I should be getting about 75 grams of protein daily. So, as you can see it can get a little confusing and overwhelming. The hardest part of this is the constant drinking. I am craving something crunchy like a cracker! I was chewing up my applesauce this evening just to feel like I was using my teeth! I do see food on the tv and think it looks good, but I'm not ever hungry, so I think at this point the worst part is going to be psychological. Fear is also a great motivator for me, because if I eat something I shouldn't then I will be in the bathroom throwing it up, and that is just about the worst thing to me!!! I hate throwing up, so nothing will taste as good as throwing up will feel bad!
Of course, I'm still thrilled to have gone through with this surgery! I can't wait to see how I will feel and look in a year! I'm sure in a couple weeks I will be back to feeling good, and can start focusing on moving forward with exercise. It was a hard week, and there have been many tears already. I had a drain right under my left breast and when they pulled that out Tuesday I really thought they were pulling out my insides. There were a few curse words shouted, and I think that would be what I would consider the worst pain so far. I have also been feeling a lot of guilt about going through with all of this. Not because anyone has made me feel that way - I am bringing it all on myself. It was a hard week for my mom, who was home with my girls by herself most of the week, and for Geoff, who had double duty caring for me and the kids and working some. Abby and Mary (especially Mary) didn't completely understand why I couldn't hug and play with them. Mary cried for me several times and I couldn't do anything to help. This is why I have the guilt. Because of my bad decisions in the past with food I put my family through this hard week. My family has suffered because I couldn't say no to stuffing myself full of food, and getting fat. I'm sure I will get over these feelings, but they are prevalent in my mind right now.
Enough rambling! Thank you to all of you who prayed for me - it means a lot to me! Geoff and the girls leave tomorrow for our annual Tampa trip with the Nelsons, so I will be home for the next 7 days just drinking and drinking! He will have the harder part of this next week! I look forward to posting again in a few days with a weight update!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Surgery Day
Well the day is here! I am sitting in the prep room waiting to go into surgery. I forgot to take pictures last night so we did it this morning. They are so awful and I can't believe I'm actually letting anyone see them, but I figure it is good therapy and just another step on this road to healthier living. My weight when I left the house this morning was 253.7. Another tidbit I never thought I would share with anyone!
I will post again when I get home tomorrow -holy cow - this is it!!!
I will post again when I get home tomorrow -holy cow - this is it!!!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Home Stretch
Three days to go.............and I think I may have had a mini food panic attack over the weekend. I was in Orlando with Abby from Wednesday until Monday late afternoon for a dance competition. Not the greatest thing to do when I am only supposed to be consuming 800 calories a day! I ended up eating several meals just so I could function, and honestly I ate several meals because I was panicking about my surgery! I am back on track, and have lost about 8 pounds, so I'm not worried, but I am still hungry! It was kind of like starting over again on Tuesday.
My emotions are definitely running the entire spectrum right now - I'm crying at the drop of a hat, biting peoples heads off (namely my family - sorry!), and can be overcome with joy for no reason! I'm so stinking excited about the prospect of what my life will be like a year from now, that I can hardly stand it! I'm also ready for Monday to be here, and I'm scared to death about the food thing right after surgery. The thought of blended meat makes me want to hurl, and I'm worried I won't know the right things to eat. I think I'm just worried I'm going to fail. Luckily my Mom, and Geoff will be here for the first week, so they can help me. I will be by myself at home the 2nd week, because my Mom goes home, and Geoff is taking the girls to Tampa to be with his family for our annual week in Tampa with them. I do have a lot of wonderful friends in town that I'm sure will take care of me, hint, hint! :)
Oh yeah, Geoff asked me this morning how much I thought I had lost so far on this Optifast diet, and after I told him I asked him why, and he said that he has been trying to cut back just so he isn't eating in front of me, and he has lost 5 pounds! MEN! I mean is the childbirth not enough of a slap in the face, but God also makes it easy for them to lose weight! Every time he and I diet together he loses 10 pounds just looking at the diet books! Argh! Oh well - if it makes him healthier it is all good, right?!?!
I'm off to bathe my girls now - I will post again on Sunday with my "before" picture.
My emotions are definitely running the entire spectrum right now - I'm crying at the drop of a hat, biting peoples heads off (namely my family - sorry!), and can be overcome with joy for no reason! I'm so stinking excited about the prospect of what my life will be like a year from now, that I can hardly stand it! I'm also ready for Monday to be here, and I'm scared to death about the food thing right after surgery. The thought of blended meat makes me want to hurl, and I'm worried I won't know the right things to eat. I think I'm just worried I'm going to fail. Luckily my Mom, and Geoff will be here for the first week, so they can help me. I will be by myself at home the 2nd week, because my Mom goes home, and Geoff is taking the girls to Tampa to be with his family for our annual week in Tampa with them. I do have a lot of wonderful friends in town that I'm sure will take care of me, hint, hint! :)
Oh yeah, Geoff asked me this morning how much I thought I had lost so far on this Optifast diet, and after I told him I asked him why, and he said that he has been trying to cut back just so he isn't eating in front of me, and he has lost 5 pounds! MEN! I mean is the childbirth not enough of a slap in the face, but God also makes it easy for them to lose weight! Every time he and I diet together he loses 10 pounds just looking at the diet books! Argh! Oh well - if it makes him healthier it is all good, right?!?!
I'm off to bathe my girls now - I will post again on Sunday with my "before" picture.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Beginning of This Journey
There are 15 days until my life will change forever! On July 18th, 2011, I am having gastric bypass surgery.
My goal with this blog is to document this journey for myself, my kids, and the rest of my family and friends who are interested. I can't promise that my english and grammar will always be perfect (sorry mom!), and I can't promise that it will always be happy and upbeat, but I do promise to be truthful and completely honest about what I am going through.
I started my 2 weeks of Optifast today. That means that I can only consume 800 calories a day until surgery. The purpose of this "fast" is to shrink my liver as much as possible and to lose as much belly fat as possible, so that the surgery is easier for the doctors. Optifast has shake mixes, soups, and bars that will act as my meals and snacks for the next 2 weeks. I can also drink as much water and any other sugar-free, non-carbonated liquid I would like, and if I'm feeling really weak, or light-headed I am allowed to have a bouillon cube in some boiling water. Sounds fun, huh?
It is 7:11 pm and I have had a chocolate shake, berry crunch bar, strawberry shake, chocolate/peanut butter crunch bar and 3 different 8 oz cups of water with chicken bouillon cubes. Oh, yes, and I have had what feels like 2 gallons of Crystal Light lemonade. I am still allowed one more meal shake or bar, but am trying to hold off as long as possible. Geoff is downstairs cooking hot dogs and french fries for the girls and himself, and I just couldn't stay down there, which he completely understands. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to post my first blog entry.
I don't know that I will post every day, but I will try at least once a week. After the surgery, I would like to post new pictures for every 20 lbs I lose. I will post the first one the night before the surgery and let you know how much I weigh.
Until the next time.........
My goal with this blog is to document this journey for myself, my kids, and the rest of my family and friends who are interested. I can't promise that my english and grammar will always be perfect (sorry mom!), and I can't promise that it will always be happy and upbeat, but I do promise to be truthful and completely honest about what I am going through.
I started my 2 weeks of Optifast today. That means that I can only consume 800 calories a day until surgery. The purpose of this "fast" is to shrink my liver as much as possible and to lose as much belly fat as possible, so that the surgery is easier for the doctors. Optifast has shake mixes, soups, and bars that will act as my meals and snacks for the next 2 weeks. I can also drink as much water and any other sugar-free, non-carbonated liquid I would like, and if I'm feeling really weak, or light-headed I am allowed to have a bouillon cube in some boiling water. Sounds fun, huh?
It is 7:11 pm and I have had a chocolate shake, berry crunch bar, strawberry shake, chocolate/peanut butter crunch bar and 3 different 8 oz cups of water with chicken bouillon cubes. Oh, yes, and I have had what feels like 2 gallons of Crystal Light lemonade. I am still allowed one more meal shake or bar, but am trying to hold off as long as possible. Geoff is downstairs cooking hot dogs and french fries for the girls and himself, and I just couldn't stay down there, which he completely understands. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to post my first blog entry.
I don't know that I will post every day, but I will try at least once a week. After the surgery, I would like to post new pictures for every 20 lbs I lose. I will post the first one the night before the surgery and let you know how much I weigh.
Until the next time.........
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